Pointers and Fangs
by Sanis
Summary: Walter is forced to talk to a young Integra about rather intimate matters, like intercourse, despite a raging desire not to. Alucard is a nuisance, as usual. Oh, and apparently the infamous butler was once a sex god. Who knew, right?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- So not mine. If it was do you honestly think I'd be writing _fanfiction_?**

Where was Walter when you need him anyway?

Integra lay curled in a tangle of bed sheets with a sort of grimace on her face. The past six hours had been unkind to the young woman. She supposed she must be ill, but she had no fever, she just hurt. Her stomach and head ached something fierce.

The girl lay facing the window; she noticed the sun was nearly completely absent from the sky. Alucard would be up soon. Inwardly the girl sighed. There hadn't really been any unusual activity to warrant sending him out on a mission. Unfortunately, that would mean he would be home all night. It seemed he took particular joy in making her suffer. Integra decided only a few days after falling upon him in the underground chambers that she must have been a very bad person in another life, to deserve such a harsh punishment.

Integra let herself sink a little deeper into her pillow. That horrible monster always made a point to seek her out after he woke up. He would be phasing in very soon and she was determined to enjoy her last few minutes of sanity.

It seemed that his recenrt hooby was pushing her until she danced the edge of sanity. At first se resorted to physical violence to keep him away, but his lack of reaction was quickly allowing that to lose it's appeal. Her pet monster seemed to have taken on a permanent role as a temporary nuisance.

Indeed, Alucard didn't disappoint her. In all reality, she believed him a bit early on this particular night, of course it could have been her overwhelming desire not to see the undead beast that made the time go by so quickly, it was hard to tell.

She watched as his head appeared from the wall leading to the hallway. He had that insufferable grin on his face. Instantly she wished that she had her gun.

"Good evening master, not feeling well?"

Integra watched his eyes roam over her in a way he usually saved for when he strutted in on her in a state of undress.

"Obviously," she snapped back. She was in bed at an extremely unreasonably hour of the day. Why else would she be lazing about?

He simply grinned at her, in his usual manner.

Integra was about to retort when her abdomen decided to do a rather unpleasant cartwheel. Instinctively, she put a hand on her torso and sat up ato leaned over in a cringing position, her hair covering her face. But she was not to suffer long, the pain was gone as soon as it came.

She regretted her moment of weakness immediately. Undoubtedly Alucard would have some snide comment on her lack of ability to deal with something as mundane as pain.

Integra stayed in the cowering position for a moment, preparing. She mentally kicked herself. She tried to be so strong, she hated looking weak, especially in front of someone as powerful as Alucard. She was supposed to be the master, not the frail weakling girl that idly gave orders and looked pretty. She was no trophy leader, and so help her she was bound and determined that her unruly servant boy would know it.

She knew there was only one way to go about it. She started to look up; she wanted him to see her eyes, so he would think that she was not ashamed of herself. She had already shown enough vulnerability for one night.

She did not expect to feel the bed sagging under her as he laid himself down next to her on top of the covers. She frowned and looked up more quickly at his intrusion of her personal space.

"You really aren't feeling well at all, are you?" he questioned. "Well, I'm afraid all you can do is wait it out," he said smugly. Integra narrowed her eyes at him. He grinned.

"Closer," he said lowly and pulled her, blankets and all, towards him. She let eyes widen in surprise. What the hell?

He rubbed his head against hers, inhaling deeply. Integra was, remarkably, too shocked to react. What the hell?

"You smell excellent tonight, Integra." What the _hell_? His voice was like cold velvet; she had the sudden urge to curl up in his embrace, but quickly fought it down, like a maid beating a particularly rug.

"You smell like rot," she retorted, he knew she was lying. He smelled like…well, she didn't have a name for it. She attempted to climb out of his firm hold, but she got caught in the covers and only slipped further into the folds of his arms.

It was him that helped mold her into the fine young specimen she was discovering herself to be. To Integra Hellsing that meant there was a debt between them, one she knew she would ultimately pay, even if it was out of sheer obligation. She may have been the master, but he was the teacher.

"Let me go you insufferable coot," Integra snarled. Alucard raised an eyebrow at her as she struggled. She was cute, for prey. "Stop sniffing me, you damn cretin!"

"I'm not sniffing you, Integra. I'm memorizing that delicious little girl scent of yours." He knew it would be gone soon.

"I order you to stop!" She knew Alucard was odd, even by madman standards, but she'd never had such problems with him before. The one thing he usually kept to himself was his nose, physically speaking.

"No," he stated simply.

Integra continued to struggle when another wave of upset hit her; she was forced to shortly pause to regain her composure. Alucard took advantage, gathered her up against him, and settled down back onto the pillows.

Integra had never been a physical person. Even when her father had been alive there weren't any cuddles or intimate contact of any sort. It just wasn't proper. Neanderthals wallowed around with each other: nobles did not. That was why she when she felt herself squashed up against her pet, not only did she feel small, but it made Alucard feel vary large. Essentially Integra wasn't used to being smothered by large undead men, and it unnerved her to be in such a position. She sneered against the scratchy white fabric of Alucard's shirt.

"Relax little one, I promise I won't bite…unless you ask me to."

Integra had a limit and it had just been reached. Two could play this game.

She attempted to kick him in what she thought was probably his groin.

She was wrong, he laughed.

"Did you really think that would work?" he asked.

She frowned in a childish manner, resenting her failure.

"I believe that was a little below the belt, my dear master," he went on. "It was incredibly attractive, if not rather…cheap."

"Shut-up," she said, miserably. She was docile for the moment, waiting for an opportunity to show itself so she could get free.

"You'll be a woman soon," commented Alucard out of the blue, his voice indecipherable.

Instinctively Integra panicked. What did that mean?

"I know," he said, misjudging her sudden tension against him. "It's really very sad."

"What do you know of being a woman?" Integra asked sarcastically.

Apparently, the question was very funny because Alucard laughed.

"Well, let's just say that I've done my fair share of courting," he said, a cocky smirk playing about his lips. That's right, tell the girl that now, save the juicy stories until later.

Integra was beginning to get worried. This was a very…personal conversation. She had never been the sort to hand out or discuss this sort of thing freely. It made her nervous. It was not that she was afraid that Alucard would do anything that… permanent. She was more than aware that it would ruin her chances of becoming undead, one of Alucard's personal goals.

"I don't care about your love life, Alucard," she said grumpily.

"I didn't say anything about love, Master," he replied.

Alucard had lifted her shirt just enough to rub the white pert of her belly. She swatted his hand away. He growled in a playful manner.

"Stop that," she said, ignoring the tremor in her own voice. "It's quite inappropriate."

"Mmm," agreed Alucard.

Then, in a flash, Alucard did a swift maneuver that made Integra's heart nearly stop. He swept her around on the bed so she was no longer in his arms, but under him. He placed himself over her chest so he could listen to her heartbeat.

"Servant!" exclaimed Integra.

"Shut-Up," Alucard mimicked in her own girly voice. "Am I making you uncomfortable master? Do you want me to stop?"

She hoped her pulse wasn't going as fast as she thought it was.

"Indeed Alucard, I feel that this behavior is out of line." She phrased carefully, making her objection to the honor of the situation and not to her own fears.

She could feel him chortle.

"Are you afraid I'm going to rape you?" he asked quite bluntly.

"No," replied Integra confidently.

"Then what are you afraid of, my dear Master?"

Integra eternally cringed; she could see where this was going. Occasionally Alucard would feel obligated to teach her something, or impart on her some great life lesson. She had begun to sense them coming.

She wanted desperately to answer him, but knew that he was looking for something specific that she had not grasped yet. He had once told her that not knowing was shameful, but blindly guessing was a true sin. Either way she was at a disadvantage, so she chose the lesser of the two evils.

"I don't know," she replied, after a moment.

Alucard nuzzled against her, enjoying his momentary position.

"You," he began. "Are afraid of what you don't understand."

"Are you calling me stupid?" she asked, offended.

"No…just ignorant," he was also choosing his words carefully.

Integra was silent for a moment. It didn't feel bad to have him on top of her, his weight was almost comforting. Almost.

"How am I ignorant?" she asked, almost afraid of the answer.

He raised his head to look at her. His usual grin absent form his sometimes handsome features.

"You are truly beautiful master," he said.

"Answer the question," she snapped back.

He sighed and lay his head back down.

"You are like snow, Master. You're cold, you're fierce, you kill, you make people uncomfortable, but most importantly you are pure."

"That's an oxymoron," scoffed Integra. "A person can't do all those things and still be pure." She was not blind; she saw where this was going. She was not going to let him use her inexperience against her.

"You are very experienced mentally master," he agreed readily. "However, in matters of the flesh…you have not experienced true desire. You do not comprehend sharing yourself with another. You can not let yourself, you see it as weakness."

"Is it not?" she asked. "Tell me how that's not weakness."

"Oh, I didn't say you were wrong Master. Just that the concept was beyond you."

"What are you telling me, I don't understand." This was going nowhere.

"Have you been formally educated about sex Integra?"

That was a trick question.

"You know I haven't, things like that aren't spoken of in families like mine."

Alucard frowned. He did know. Stupid mortals.

"I do understand it though; I know all the mecanics-"

"It's more that a man shoving his penis into a warm hole Integra," Alucard interrupted. "It's…an important lesson."

Integra paused, what was he on?

"I thought you despised weakness Alucard," she said, a teasing note in her voice.

"Oh, some weakness is good," he replied absently. "It reminds you what real power is. Trust me, there's no better way to experience weakness then to allow yourself to give into your more carnal needs."

"What about pleasing your partner?" she asked. "Isn't that important too?"

"Well," he grinned. "It's inevitable if their with me, so I've really never needed to worry about that."

"So you've never wanted to please another out of….how many women Alucard?"

"I lost track around 984." He wasn't going to mention the men.

"I see," she replied. He really was an evil bastard.

"Although there was once a little girl I was infatuated with," he said as if reading her thoughts. "But I knew that I would please her in other ways. She wasn't interested in my…male physique."

"Are you referring to me Servant?"

"No," he lied. She couldn't help but feel an unexplainable fondness in her abdomen where the pain had been before.

"How do you suppose I become educated in this field then, Servant?"

"Masturbation?" he asked jokingly. She didn't think it was funny.

"Girls can do that?"

Alucard snorted.

"No," he said. "Forget I mentioned it."

That would be a conversation for another day.

"Are you lying to me?" the girl had a nose like a bloodhound.

"Why are you so interested?" he retorted knowing it would shut her up.

Integra felt a fair bit of blood race to her face.

Alucard looked up at Integra's red face. He loved being able to do that, although she was swiftly becoming immune.

"Alucard," she asked slowly, stroking his hair, out of a desire to drag him into a false sense of security.

He was not so easily fooled.

"Yes?" he answered, enjoying the sensation of her small hands on him. Really, why didn't he attack her in bed more often?

"Do you remember your first kiss?"

That got his attention. Oh, the prospects.

"Yes, it was most unpleasant," said, making a face.

"Well?" pressed Integra.

"Oh, you want to know?" he asked slyly.

"Yes, I do."

"Okay," he answered, his insane grin plastered on his face.

He looked up at her, this was almost too easy.

"Integra, if you find out you must never tell anyone," he said in a dead serious tone. She took the bait and nodded.

"I swear."

"Good."

And with that he swooped up and, with a hand on each side of her head and his lower body against hers, he pressed his lips against hers in a firm manner and proceeded to show her exactly what his first kiss had been like.

He was surprised when she didn't push him away or protest in any manner. After an initial shock, she even responded, pressing back. He knew better than to try anything with his tongue, she was not _that_ willing.

When she didn't pull back he pulled her closer and put a hand behind her head, pulling her to him. Yes, he was going to make this a good memory for her, she was not going to have any second rate first kiss.

Eventually he pulled away and she opened the eyes she didn't know she'd closed.

"Well," he said, looking sheepish, wondering what she was going to do. "My first kiss was a lot like that."


	2. Chapter 2

As Integra and Alucard sat on the bed together in an embrace that was a little too familiar, a certain butler was watching from many of his hidey-hole spots that butlers watch things from when they think that no one is looking.

What he saw frightened him.

He knew Alucard was evil, but this seemed out of bounds even for him. This was Arthur's _daughter_, after all. She was not some two-bit whore or replaceable maid. This girl had a future here, she was his leader. This was irresponsible and crude. He was not about to stand for it at _all_.

A very angry manservant swooped down, ironically in a very Alucard-like fashion, and found himself in the hallway in front of her bedroom door. He didn't knock; he didn't make a single noise. He did, however, silently open the door.

If he had been anyone else the scene may have been comical, there was Lady Integra, looking very shocked, underneath a very smug looking Alucard. They were both disheveled, in a most rumpled sort of way.

It took a moment for the two to realize he was even in the room. It was a desperate strangled noise he made in the back of his throat that gave him away, looking backwards it was a very unWalter-like thing to do, but never before had a situation quite like this presented itself.

Integra, also in a rather temporary embarrassed stupor, looked back and forth from Walter to her pet. As was Alucard looking at his former partner, almost as if daring him to say something.

Walter found himself frozen to the spot. He was here, now what to do? He found himself silently wishing it were another one of his missions from the olden days, then he wouldn't worry about what, he would just kill everyone and let God sort them out.

As it was, it was not a mission, it was an adolescent crisis, and he had no idea what to do. Walter was a renaissance man in many things, but when it came to teenage girls he way a novice swimming in a pool of ignorance.

Almost as if a small blessing had been laid at his feet, Integra pushed Alucard off of her, and since he was looking away, he landed on the floor. He rather starred at the ceiling for a moment while Walter watched Integra turn red as her fuse began to shorten. It would be any sec tha-

"HOW DARE YOU, YOU EVIL BASTARD," she yelled. "THAT WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL!"

"You're just angry because you liked it," countered Alucard. "Don't be so sore. That was some of my best work."

Perhaps Alucard could have loosened the noose around his neck, had he not sounded so smug.

"GET OUT YOU IMPURE ABOMINATION, **GET OUT**!"

Alucard got up and walked towards the door with a shrug, over passing a frozen butler on his way. He walked with an air of someone who had gotten what they wanted.

Before he could completely exit, he turned around in the doorway; his body half shielded for effect, why he was using the door was anyone's guess. Perhaps it was for theatrics, why did Alucard do anything?

He put his hands on the frame, leaned in and whispered…

"You **enjoyed** it."

Which was promptly fallowed by a Bible soaring through the air and hitting him right square in the forehead. He bounced back and slammed the door behind him.

This left Walter and Integra alone.

"Can you believe that evil cretin?" Integra asked. "Honestly, if I didn't know better, I would think him to actually **want** me!"

Walter continued to stand.

"Where does he get nerves like that?" Integra pulled herself back into the bed into, what Walter assumed, was a more comfortable position. She snuggled down and paused for a moment, looking at Walter strangely. "Is everything alright with you?"

"I suppose it comes with time," Walter suggested, still taken aback.

"What?"

"Nerves."

"Oh…I suppose you're right."

And that was how it was. Walter standing, Integra sitting, each looking at the other and wondering what to do. Walter ended up breaking the silence.

"I take it that you're not feeling well then…"

"Oh, just a stomach ache, nothing to be worried about," she said, almost too quickly. She hated making Walter wait on her when he had so many other duties in addition; it just did not seem fair that he should have to do everything on account of her weaknesses.

"A stomach ache has never kept you in bed until such a late hour before," he argued. "What's really wrong?"

Integra mentally winced, one day she would be able to lie to Walter and get away with it, today was not that day. She knew when she was beat.

"My stomach keeps….crunching." she supplied.

"Is that all?" he asked, having a sneaking suspicion to what was going on.

"I ache… a lot," she admitted, looking a bit sheepish. "And my back hurts."

Walter was going to hell for this, he just knew it.

"I don't suppose your breasts are swollen-" he started.

"Walter, I don't _have _breasts."

"Well, the two mounds of flesh appendage that's hanging off of your body in the chest region, are those swollen?"

Integra crossed her arms.

"Maybe."

Walter took that to mean 'yes.' His eye twitched.

"I need to make some tea," he said, thinking of the relaxing things that he could be drinking, as he decided that he needed a game plan.

"Why?" Integra asked. "Will it help me?"

He sighed. Well, it was now or…well, now really.

He walked across the room, as slowly as possible, putting off the inevitable. Really, all the money this family had and they couldn't hire someone to talk about this?

He pulled over a chair from in front of the window and brought it next to the side of the bed where she was sitting, and he sat in it.

She looked at him curiously. He really was behaving strangely.

He cleared his throat, and looked at her. And looked at her some more.

He crossed his legs and opened his mouth. Then he shut his mouth and uncrossed his legs.

He looked at her again. He looked away, he looked back. He opened his mouth again, angry at his own hesitation, but before he could say anything he was interrupted.

"What is bloody wrong with you?"

"Don't swear," he quickly countered. He swallowed and took a deep, silent, breath. "Integra, we must have a difficult discussion."

"Is this about sex?"

"Shhhh!" he waved his hands at her.

She rolled her eyes.

"I know about sex, Walter, there's some form of it in nearly all the history books in the library. It is not a basic principal to grasp. _Cave people _did it for heavens sake."

He put a hand over his eyes and leaned back in the chair. This was so unpleasant.

"Don't be so embarrassed," Integra said soothingly, patting his knee. "Nearly everyone's had sex, right? I mean, I guess you were quite the stallion in your day, or so Alucard told me. He said that you were extremely attractive and that women threw themselves at you, and that you took advantage of that- frequently. Why, he even went into detail once, something about you favorite moves, but I fell asleep before he could finish. He was supposed to be telling me a story, but that's Alucard for you, you can breach the most innocent of topics and land on something gory with him-"

It was Walter's turn to be embarrassed; there were just some things that he had always hoped Integra never discovered, that was one of them.

"It's not about _sex_," he interrupted. "It's about…..becoming a young lady instead of a..."

"Little girl?" she suggested in a tone that plainly suggested that she thought herself much more that a little girl, even at this moment.

"An adolescent," he suggested firmly. "Besides, there's more to sex than just…sex."

"That's what Alucard said!" she exclaimed. "He said that it wasn't just a man sticking his-"

"Alucard was right," Walter said quickly. It pained him slightly and a small part of his soul died at the words that left his lips, but much less than would have Integra finished her sentence.

"Oh please, you sound like a dime novel."

Walter raised an eyebrow.

"And just what experience do you have with dime novels?" he inquired.

"When I was still at boarding school sometimes the other girls would stay up late reading them out loud. Silly female creatures."

"Integra, _you_ are female."

"No," she said stubbornly. "I'm _Hellsing_, Walter, there's a difference."

"Either way," he said. "You were born with female anatomy and have reached a point of development in your life, hence this conversation is relevant."

"I _know_ Walter," she exasperated. "The man juices shoot out and swim-"

"Not man juices, _sperm_, Integra, _sper_m. And they don't shoot out, the _ejaculate_."

"-to the woman's little round thingy-"

"_Egg!"_

"Oh Walter, shut it. So I don't know all the technical terms, I understand the concept."

"Egg, is not a technical term."

He was going to get the girl a pamphlet, or a book…. a big one.

"I had a temporary lapse of vocabulary!"

"It isn't about that," he tried to reiterate to her. "It's about you, you silly girl. You specifically. Not some fleshless figure in a science book. This conversation is about Integra Hellsing and what she can expect. What Integra Hellsing is going to be dealing with. What Integra Hellsing needs to know. You, Integra. This is about _you_."

By the time he was finished with his mini spiel he was nearly shouting and Integra looked slighted. It made him feel guilty.

"I didn't mean to be short," he said. "I just want you to understand."

"Understand _what_?"

"Oh," he began. "Things like how everyone on your father's side of the family is pole thing until their mid teens when they blossom out, usually attractively."

"Except Richard," said Integra.

"Except Richard," agreed Walter, he continued. "Your mother's side however, her family has a tendency to look childlike well into their twenties."

"What does any of this mean to me?"

"Integra, you are becoming a beautiful young woman right before my eyes, and I want you to be prepared for the consequences of adulthood."

Integra did not say anything; she just cocked her head to the side, continuing to listen.

"Soon, young men will begin to see it as well, and not just young men either, old men too, and everything in between." Walter paused. "Except me, I'm completely neutral."

"I see," said Integra, smiling and red with embarrassment. "I guess Alucard's neutral then too."

"No," said Walter quickly and without any doubt. "Alucard is practically their leader."

"Oh please," she said, thinking he was exaggerating.

"I'm serious Integra, Alucard is an anomaly. Keep on your toes with him. Today's events should be enough to prove to you that his intentions are not completely pure."

Integra considered this for a moment. After a weak hesitation, she nodded. "Maybe you're right."

"Alucard, he will be fiercest ally, but you must always let him know that you are not to be toyed with to avoid him playing you for a fool, making him lose respect for you could be the downfall of this organization."

Integra looked suddenly sullen. "I see," then "is that why you brought this up today?"

Walter sighed. "No, I believe you are experiencing premenstrual syndrome, it seemed a fitting time to have this little chat."

"That sound painful," commented Integra.

"I wouldn't know," admitted Walter. "It just means you are experiencing the usually gauntlet before you start your monthly flow."

"Oh no, Alucard's going to go insane. Well, more so than usual." She looked at the ceiling. "That certainly explains his behavior today though."

"I would recommend using tampons; I believe that dulls the smell slightly. It might just help bar temptation."

"I cannot believe that my pet monster is so infatuated with my body's waste." Integra looked like someone told her she was going to have to wear a bright yellow clown suit the rest of her life. "Walter, is it going to hurt?"

"What, tampons? Not if you find the right hole and fallow the directions correctly I imagine."

"No, don't be an idiot, I mean the whole thing in general."

Walter looked at her strangely. This was not exactly his area of expertise.

"I can't imagine that it will get any worse."

They both sat in silence for what seemed the billionth time that night, except this time it was a little more comfortable.

"Err, Walter," asked Integra gently.

"What?" he asked, drawing out the word.

"If I use, you know…tampons, I'm still technically a virgin….right?"

Walter blinked.

"I would definitely say so." He paused. "Definitely….but that's the only thing. Don't be shoving anything up there just for kicks and giggles. You never know what could get stuck!" He teased.

She laughed. "Oh Walter, that's disgusting! That is something _Alucard_ would say. Honestly, why would I want to put some foreign object up _there_."

Walter chose to not answer.

"I suppose I'll need to send someone to the city then to pick up necessary items."

Integra's eyes got wide. "Oh Walter don't! Please go yourself, I don't want anyone else to know!"

"What are you talking about; they won't know who they're for."  
"Yes they will," insisted Integra. "Hellsing soldiers have radar, I swear."

"Fine," Walter consented. "It would be good to get out of the house anyway."

"Go now," insisted Integra.

"Why now?"

"It could happen any second! What will happen if it catches me unexpectedly?"

"I suppose we'll just have to buy you some new undergarments."

"We must not be ill prepared. Go now. We will not be taken like novices, we will show it who's in charge!"

"It's not a battle Integra, don't be so melodramatic"


	3. Chapter 3

Integra sat on her bed, waiting anxiously. It seemed that since Walter had left her to secure the necessary _items_, her body had developed into a whole new arena of interesting events.

Everything felt like it was going to melt right off her bones and make a horribly messy pile of goo at her feet. She was keeping her stomach secure in her throat, having only barely avoided some severe encounters with her toilet.

Which, by the way, was in extremely good condition. Whoever kept up the bathrooms certainly deserved a raise. Integra decided that any amount of money was justified to make sure one didn't have to look at some disgusting and mysterious thing, while trying retch up one's internal organs, into one's toilet. It would have been simply indecorous.

Her body was allowing her to suffer her plight in waves. The crazy and rumbly feeling in her abdomen had indeed gotten worse, despite Walter's reassuring words. She simply sat and endured it.

Was this how it was supposed to be? She was sure it wasn't supposed to hurt this much…

It was in that moment of doubt that it became apparently clear that she didn't have a mother. She didn't have anyone who would tell her what was going on inside her from personal experience. She was alone in a world of men.

It was too much and she felt herself begin to sadden. Her eyes filled with wetness, and much to her utter dismay, she could feel tears running down her cheeks.

Her hand shot up to meet them. Why the hell was she crying? She wasn't sad, not really. She'd never had a mother; she certainly wasn't foolish enough to start harrowing after one now.

And as quickly as she had gotten sad, she got angry.

Who was God to leave her alone in a world of men with no bloody road map?

It simply did not matter how comforting Walter was, he could never make up for his complete lack of a vagina, and that alone was enough reason to despise him.

How dare he try to sympathize!

Hell, even Alucard was better. At least he had some experience with blood in general.

Then it hit her like a ton of bricks.

She felt so stupid.

"ALUCARD!" she called from her bed. She was certain that he would be surprised to hear from her so soon after their close encounter, but this was urgent! She didn't have time to behave like some silly creature, timid of a man who knew how to take of advantage of a situation and use his lips wisely.

Integra laughed to herself. Was that not his purpose in her organization anyway? If anything she'd reward him for his ingenuity.

"ALUCARD!" she called again. Where was he?

She didn't have to wait long.

A shadowy mist quickly floated up from under her bed. She watched as it eased its way up from the floor and under her coverlet. It was there it began to take form.

She rolled her eyes.

"Stop being such a drama queen," she snapped. "I have to ask you a question."

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"What?" she asked.

The second eyebrow rose.

"Don't you want to make sure that Walter isn't prancing about spying on us before you ask me anything too personal?" he asked.

She looked at him for a good long minute, wondering if it was really worth the answer to ask him anything, after all, she _knew_ it would be satisfying to shoot him.

"What makes you think that I'm going to ask anything personal?" she asked. "Besides, I sent Walter away on a mission."

Alucard grinned, bringing up an arm to rest his head on.

"I know many things, Master," he told her in response to her first question. "Now, where have you sent our dear Walter?"

She didn't reply.

She felt Alucard pulling at the edge of her mind, looking for the answer he would not get verbally. She did nothing to stop him.

She watched as his eyes got wide and his grin practically cracked his face.

"You sent the Angel of Death to bring home _pussy pluggers_?" he asked, completely tickled. "Oh, that is simply _precious_, Master."

"I didn't want to be caught unaware and make a mess," she mumbled, taken back by his crude term for her feminine hygiene product. "And I didn't want anyone else to know, so I made him go."

Alucard laughed. She honestly didn't know why she told him anything. He was such a damn brute.

"Don't worry about the mess Master," he whispered at her. "I would have gladly helped clean it up."

Integra scowled.

"You want only to suck on whatever crevice is secreting my life source, no matter how pure the substance."

Alucard, if possible, seemed to be even more overjoyed by this.

"You said it, my Master. Not I."

Integra looked at him a bit baffled for a moment, before she got the full connotation of his meaning.

Her eyes quickly got as wide as his, but for entirely different reasons.

"Are you even suggesting that you would ever put your mouth on that part of my body," she asked in shock.

He shrugged.

"I'd do a lot of things," he told her. "But then again

Integra looked at him with a look of complete disgust and curiosity.

"How is that not the most disgusting thing a creature could do to a person?"

He giggled like a little girl in church. "Master," he said, as if it were some great secret. "Most humans do that for _fun_."

"People….WHAT?" she asked outraged.

He snorted. "Why do you think I renounced them," he asked, a tone of 'why doesn't anyone understand me, I make so much bloody _sense_' written all over his voice.

She looked away; momentarily unable to defend herself. "Suddenly I am completely disgusted by my whole race," she announced.

Alucard heaved a heavy sigh.

Why was it on his shoulder to educate the future leader of the free world on the more gory details of human consummation?

"People enjoy doing scandalous things," he told her. "I guess the idea their doing something slightly naughty gets them horny."

"So a man put his mouth on a woman's..." Integra made an incoherent noise, which Alucard could only assume was a substitute for what she was really trying to say.

He nodded; a scary truth in his eyes. "Or vice versa," he confirmed.

Integra got this horrible look of indignation on her face. It was as if someone had knocked her upside the head with a hot waffle iron and she didn't know how to react.

"On a ….penis?" she managed to choke out. "Why?"

Alucard suddenly felt a bit out of his element.

"_Urine_ comes from that thing, Alucard," she told him as if he were stupid. "It was **never** meant to go into anyone's mouth!"

He wisely said nothing.

There was an awkward silence.

"I don't urinate," he said in his own defense. He couldn't help mankind on this one.

Integra blanched.

"Is that meaning to say that you've…done _that_….before?"

"No?" he tried meekly.

Her face screwed itself into a look of utter disgust.

"Eww," she whispered. "I can't believe I'm letting you lie in my bed."

He tipped his head, as if saying he could understand her sentiment.

She took a deep breath.

"I can leave," he suggested. There is always tomorrow.

"No," she yelped. "I asked you here for a reason."

She looked pained, and suddenly Alucard dreaded the next few moments of his unlife.

"Oh," he asked, morbidly curios. "Why would that be?"

"Well," she started slowly. "I was wondering what if felt to have…you know…blood leaving your body…as a way of your body to relieve-"

"Integra-" he interrupted her. "I do not know what that crazy old butler told you about me, but I most assuredly do not have a _period_."

She blushed.

"Walter didn't say any such thing," she defended. "I just assumed. You drink all that blood, right? Well, it's got to come out somewhere…"

It was Alucard's turn to be uncomfortable.

He looked at her like she was insane, she just looked sheepish.

"It does not _come_ _out_ anywhere," he told her firmly. "It just…disappears."

She looked at him skeptically.

"Alucard," she said. "That's simply not possible."

When she voiced her disbelief, he didn't know what to say.

He was telling the _truth_.

"Come on," she said. "Just tell me, you know about mine!"

"There is nothing to tell! I do not have a menstrual cycle," he growled.

She glared. He tried to look convincing.

"You know, if this is the way I'm going to find you two every time I come wandering in, I might just have to put Sir Integra in a chastity belt," Walter said from the doorway. "Or, better yet, just shank Alucard…permanently."

"Walter!" cried Integra. "Oh, Alucard's been down right unreasonable. Is it true women put their mouths on men's penises?"

Walter almost fell down dead. Almost.

"Alucard!" he cried. "What the hell have you been telling her?"

Alucard ignored him.

"It's not just women who do it," he told Integra; leaving her to ponder his meaning, just to infuriate the butler further.

"Alucard," he admonished. "I must insist you remove yourself from her bed immediately."

Alucard made a sad puppy dog face.

"But she invited me," he told him, once again, simply for reaction.

Walter looked to Integra slowly. She rolled her eyes.

"I only wanted to ask him how he shed all the blood he drinks. I thought perhaps it would help me better understand the situation." When Walter looked at her curiously she felt a bit silly. "Walter, I was just doing research!"

Walter's brow furrowed, and then he looked at Alucard.

"You know, that is an excellent question," he paused. "Where does all that blood go?"

Alucard shot him a look that probably would have killed a lesser man.

"It _disappears_," he seethed.

Walter took a step back in mock self defense.

"He's awfully touchy," he told Integra. "Do you suppose you two are synced through the master-servant bond, and it's his time of the month as well?"

Alucard growled, which was slightly comical, as he was under a pink coverlet, edged with lace, and didn't look remotely threatening.

Walter laughed.

Integra smiled.

Alucard pouted.

"Walter," said Integra sweetly. "Did you bring me my…trinkets?"

Walter lifted a bag that had been hanging at his side. He tossed it to her on the bed, not willing to get too close to the vampire who might very well attack him. He wasn't as young as he used to be, and he didn't want to outrun monsters if he didn't have to.

"There's also a surprise in there for you," he told her; confident he'd done something that she'd like.

The trip to the drugstore had been hellish. He never knew there were so many brands and sizes. In the end, a kind young woman had taken pity on him and, after listening to the story of his 'granddaughter's' situation, helped him find a box to suite. He hade made sure that it was industrial size so he wouldn't have to go back for a while.

He watched as he pulled the large box out of the bag and looked at it. She shot him a smile, then handed the package to Alucard, who took it as it was something that might bite him.

When Integra looked back into the bag and saw her surprise her eyes lit up.

"Walter," she cried. "How did you know?"

She pulled out a very large slab of milk chocolate and began to unwrap it. She'd been craving something of the sort for awhile, but hadn't been able to put her finger just on what it was that she wanted.

Meanwhile, Alucard was beside her, opening the box and sniffing at it.

"Why tampons?" he asked. "Aren't they..." he didn't finish his sentence.

He looked up at the people in the room.

"I don't like them," he said plainly.

_Too easy_, thought Walter and Integra at the same time.

"I didn't want to distract you from your first priority," Integra stated. "So, Walter and I thought this would be the best solution."

Alucard made a face.

"But," he said like a small child. "This…you have to _insert_ this, Master."

"…I realize that." Integra said slowly.

Alucard looked at her as if she were dumb.

"You don't think that's a bad idea," he asked as if to a small child.

"I think it's going to be a jolly good time," she said sarcastically. Alucard's eyes grew wide.

"Walter, take them back." He said shaking his head and holding the box out to the butler.

"Why?" he asked, amused.

Alucard glared.

"Nothing is going to violate Master in the manner that this object," he glared at one of the tampons he pulled out of the box, "is going to do."

"Eh?" asked Walter.

Alucard looked at Walter as if he grew another head.

"Do you realize where this is supposed to go?" he asked, a crazy gleam in his eye.

"How is that a violation?" Walter asked.

Alucard twitched.

"Because I said it is!" he said loudly. "She should not be putting anything up there! It's….urgh! No! No! No! It is private property," he said throwing the tampon away in angst, "and this is most definitely a _trespasser._"

Alucard cringed as a finale to his speech.

Integra looked at Walter, and then grinned. She pulled the box to her, and shuffled around until she found a folded peace of paper. She opened it and squealed.

"Alucard," she said gleefully. "Look at this!"

It was a set of directions. A very descriptive set of directions. She waved it at him.

He shot away as of it would burn him.

"To put in the tampon,' she read. "Find a comfortable position and ease-"

"STOP," yelled Alucard, covering his ears.

"Integra," Walter reprimanded, "be kind, he's in a delicate state."

Before either of them could react Alucard snatched the box and disappeared, phasing through the floor to his cell.

"Shite," exclaimed Integra. "Now I've lost my tampons!"

Walter grinned.

"Not quite," he said calmly. "that was one of many."

Integra's mouth made a perfect 'o.'

"I really never want to have to buy those things again," he supplied. "I'll have more brought up to you within the hour."

He turned on his heel and left to go fetch some tea.

Integra leaned back on her pillows, her stomach pain momentarily forgotten.

Maybe this would be easier than she first anticipated.

**Eh, review plebes. Or I will smite you. Seriously, tell me what you think.**


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